Earlier this week we were all in the shop for training. During the morning meeting, the discussion briefly turned to my leaving.
On of my coworkers jokingly said to my manager, "You harrassed the shit out of him until he couldn't take it anymore."
My manager made a joke of his own in reply, "I broke his spirit."
The first statement is absolutely true, I feel like I've been pressured so hard that I just can't take it anymore. It's gotten so bad that I actually moved up my notice date by a full week. Only now, at the very end, has my manager been on his best behavior.
The second statement was definitely true back in January & February. While I've had the occasional bouts of worry or sleepless night, never had I had such a prolonged period of either (we're talking weeks at a time). Not to mention the daily and nightly panic attacks, something I've never had before. They frightened me so badly that at first I wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.
Now I find myself in doubt: Am I just running away from my problems? Am I punishing myself, somehow turning my life upside-down on purpose?
Am I doing the right thing by leaving, or making a huge mistake? - I don't think any of this is true, but that tiny bit of doubt has been nagging at me all day.
I do know this, while everyone who's left over the years hasn't made out better, they're all glad they did leave. So while my manager may spin it so he comes out smelling like a rose while making me look like a complete ass (he has a special talent in making himself look good by pointing out the flaws in others), I know that in the long run I'll be both happier and better off.