May 19, 2005

Revenge of the Sith

I just got back from my first viewing of Episode III, all I can say is OH MY GOD! This film is so friggin' good, not only does it wrap up the story nicely but it even makes up for the failings of the other two films in this trilogy. Great action, good story and plenty of nice tie ins. 'Nuff said!

May 13, 2005

The Very End

Today was my last day. My task list, per my manager, was pared down to turning in my stuff then getting a ride home.

He took today as a vacation day, so I didn't have to deal with him or get that final handshake - w00t!

My sense of relief this morning was profound. My feeling during the day and on the ride home was anxious...I just wanted to get safely home. On some level it's important that I cut all possible ties to this workplace, to the extent that I made it a point to turn in each and every piece of equipment that I was ever issued or expensed. The coworker who drove me home asked if I wanted anything, but I declined because I need to feel that I've left them all in the best possible position, as opposed to doing anything that would fuck them.

I realize in some way that this is a lot like divorce. By leaving I'm putting myself in a financial gray area, where I can survive for a bit but it'll be tighter than if I'd stayed "safe and secure" in that relationship. I'm moving and everything in my life is changing, which is exactly what I went through when I separated. Guess I have a unique view, having gone through a divorce, but it's eerily similar.

The bottom line is that things may get harder, stuff might not work out the way I'd planned, bad things might happen. But in the long run I'll be better off because I'll be happier. Just as there's no sense staying in a bad marriage and torturing yourself, I now realize the same is true in the workplace.

May 11, 2005

"I Broke His Spirit"

Earlier this week we were all in the shop for training. During the morning meeting, the discussion briefly turned to my leaving.

On of my coworkers jokingly said to my manager, "You harrassed the shit out of him until he couldn't take it anymore."

My manager made a joke of his own in reply, "I broke his spirit."

The first statement is absolutely true, I feel like I've been pressured so hard that I just can't take it anymore. It's gotten so bad that I actually moved up my notice date by a full week. Only now, at the very end, has my manager been on his best behavior.

The second statement was definitely true back in January & February. While I've had the occasional bouts of worry or sleepless night, never had I had such a prolonged period of either (we're talking weeks at a time). Not to mention the daily and nightly panic attacks, something I've never had before. They frightened me so badly that at first I wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.

Now I find myself in doubt: Am I just running away from my problems? Am I punishing myself, somehow turning my life upside-down on purpose? Am I doing the right thing by leaving, or making a huge mistake? - I don't think any of this is true, but that tiny bit of doubt has been nagging at me all day.

I do know this, while everyone who's left over the years hasn't made out better, they're all glad they did leave. So while my manager may spin it so he comes out smelling like a rose while making me look like a complete ass (he has a special talent in making himself look good by pointing out the flaws in others), I know that in the long run I'll be both happier and better off.

May 02, 2005

Two Week Notice

I gave my two week notice today.

Quite frankly, I expected my boss to wig out in the worst possible way: throwing his phone, smashing something into uselessness, ranting and raving until flecks of foam flew out of his mouth. I was quite pleasantly surprised when he took it in stride and was nice about it.

I still don't trust him.

Anyone who's been in on my planning will notice this comes at least a week early, and you're right it is. Initially I was going to give my notice in the middle of next week, so my final day would fall just before two scheduled vacation days (that I'd planned for my son). But a mid week ending didn't make any sense, so I bumped it up two days to Monday the 9th.

Then I got to thinking last night, the only reason I'd picked next Monday over this one was the fact that I'm on call this week. I was living under some delusion that I could not possibly be on call during my last two weeks, that I would become unproductive or somehow blamed for something breaking while I had the pager.

Yesterday I came to my senses and realized what total rubbish this is. I am all set for my move, getting a temporary job and going to school for my CDL. So why torture myself any further at this job, gladly accepting my manager's insanely long list of action items while pretending that I would be present for some future meeting or goal? Why not have a few spare weeks to get a decent evening/night job that works with my 6 week school, instead of rushing to prepare for night job and finish setting up the class all at once?

Most importantly are these two great questions: 1) Why not get on with my life? 2) Why not get some quality, worry-free sleep for a change?