May 11, 2005

"I Broke His Spirit"

Earlier this week we were all in the shop for training. During the morning meeting, the discussion briefly turned to my leaving.

On of my coworkers jokingly said to my manager, "You harrassed the shit out of him until he couldn't take it anymore."

My manager made a joke of his own in reply, "I broke his spirit."

The first statement is absolutely true, I feel like I've been pressured so hard that I just can't take it anymore. It's gotten so bad that I actually moved up my notice date by a full week. Only now, at the very end, has my manager been on his best behavior.

The second statement was definitely true back in January & February. While I've had the occasional bouts of worry or sleepless night, never had I had such a prolonged period of either (we're talking weeks at a time). Not to mention the daily and nightly panic attacks, something I've never had before. They frightened me so badly that at first I wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.

Now I find myself in doubt: Am I just running away from my problems? Am I punishing myself, somehow turning my life upside-down on purpose? Am I doing the right thing by leaving, or making a huge mistake? - I don't think any of this is true, but that tiny bit of doubt has been nagging at me all day.

I do know this, while everyone who's left over the years hasn't made out better, they're all glad they did leave. So while my manager may spin it so he comes out smelling like a rose while making me look like a complete ass (he has a special talent in making himself look good by pointing out the flaws in others), I know that in the long run I'll be both happier and better off.

5 Comments:

Blogger mithglin said...

How can it be running away when you have no control over the situation? Staying would have solved nothing for you. You are doing what you can to make a change that will improve your lot in life. Screw your manager. I doubt that your coworkers care about what he thinks. It might be that having this kind of attitude is what keeps him sleeping at night. Let your manager think what he wants. He won't be your problem for much longer.

Dorothy

7:05 AM  
Blogger Rothar said...

Thanks mithglin, that's a great insight. That is one thing about this job that I've come to realize, staying changes nothing. In 5 1/2 years I've had no promotions, no upward movement of any kind. Meanwhile techs at other projects are promoted and move up to management, which is what I was told when I came in.

3:06 PM  
Blogger BRIAN MC said...

YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOUR "GUT" SAYS, AND IT EVEN SEEMS MY JOB HERE IS GETTING THE SAME WAY.....THEY PROMOTED ME VERY QUICK, KNOW ALL THE BS IS COMING AND IT IS HARD TO HANDLE.......BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS YOU ARE A "SURVIVOR", AND YOU WILL BE GOOD AT WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO DO.....AND TO TOP IT OFF YOU ALSO WILL BE AT PEACE AND CARE ABOUT YOUR JOB AGAIN!

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I concur with Dorothy.

Now is not the time to doubt. You've made a committment to yourself, for your well being. What your former manager thinks is irrelevant. This is about you, not him. I think if he'd really broken your spirit...you'd still be there sucking it up.

It's in the past...turn the page.

As Tom Petty sings "The future is wide open".

Carpe Diem.

Jenn

9:12 AM  
Blogger Rothar said...

Thanks again guys.

BTW, I'm just getting used to the idea of a running dialogue here on the BLOG, sorry if it took me a bit to get up to speed.

11:27 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home