DOOM

Yesterday I opted to see DOOM (the motion picutre starring Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson). Let me start by saying that I went into this film not expecting much, it is after all based on a very basic first-person-shooter.

I was absolutely and completely disappointed...nay, disgusted!

Before I go into the gritty details, allow me for a moment to remind you of the game. The original DOOM told the tale of a space marine stranded on Mars, trying to fight back demons from hell. DOOM II picked up were the first left off, with the demons now on Earth...hell, for those who played the original to the bitter end, who can forget the rabbit's head on a stick when the hero returned to earth? Heh heh...now that was a moment!

Just in the last year we were treated to DOOM III, which is a masterpiece of horror. Although it retells the original story, it does fill in some gaps as to why the demons are there. Turns out the scientists have found Martian ruins, which include tablets detailing the science of teleportation. But this isn't just a point-to-point teleport, it's actually a doorway to hell, hence demons. All the thrills and scares are there, which is great, but the graphics are amped up to modern levels, making the game a must-have for any shooter fan.

Okay, with that in mind, it'd be pretty hard to screw this movie up you'd think. All they need is scientists on Mars, a teleportal to hell, and heaps of demons and ammo.

If only it were that easy.

Somewhere along the way, teleportation gave way to genetics. Now the martian ruins contain the key to an extra Martian chromosome, that when injected into humans turns them into poorly mutated zombies. That's right, no fire-throwing Imps, no Cacodaemon, no Spider Mastermind. There is something that looks sort of like a Hell Knight, but only for its size. And inexplicably, there's the faceless dog-like creature from Quake...not a demon to be seen.

I expected bad acting, so I wasn't surprised there. I didn't expect much of a story, just enough to hold it together, but the story was much worse than I could have imagined. If they'd stuck to what little story was present in the original or newer version of the game, it would have been much better off. I expected eerie music, had to settle for a Nine Inch Nails song at the end credits. I expected fear inspiring demons, instead I had to settle for zombie extras. And I expected lots of shooting and gore, I got a lot of tension and build up with a very small payoff. Most of the real action was confined to a first-person portion that's nowhere near as scary as any of the in-game footage.

This is not worth the price of a matinee ticket. This is not worth the video rental. If you pay for a cable movie channel, this is not worth your time.

Worst film ever!!!